Chapter Five. It’s Not My Fault, Right?
Coming Out
It was clear that preparing for a life of missions was a deep passion for Daniel. His desire was to go somewhere in the world and just be with people and love them. Whatever that would look like.
So he chose to attend a Christian college in Florida where he could major in cross-cultural studies.
At the time Scott, was teaching some intensive seminary courses through Gordon-Conwell Theological Seminary in Boston. One of those courses was offered during Daniel’s January break from college, so it worked out perfectly for him to take the class as an elective course while he was home. I decided to join in.
The course focused on the inner life and spiritual transformation for youth workers. It dealt with the importance of dealing with our past experiences and woundedness in order to be freer and more effective in our work with high-risk youth.
One of the projects was to chart a Life Journey Line, highlighting life events we experienced as emotional highs and events that stood out as emotional lows. Then we were given an opportunity to share those experiences with the class if we chose.
While most of that week is fuzzy in my memory, I recall sitting at a red light on the drive home with Daniel as clearly as if it was yesterday.
“Mom, there’s something I’ve been wanting to tell you… I’m attracted to my same sex. I’m attracted to boys.”
It really is helpful to be riding in the car when an announcement like that comes from your son.
I was looking straight ahead; I didn’t have to look at him…
Before I was even able to respond, he said, “I’m committed to staying celibate unless somehow God would make me be able to marry a girl.”
Wow! That was a lot! I don’t know exactly what I said, but it was something about loving and supporting him. I’m very sure it came out awkwardly and a bit shakily.
This was now our new reality. Not that it wasn’t already real for Daniel. And not that it was a big surprise to me. But now it was much more than just a fear of mine.
Up until then I had preferred to stick my fingers in my ears, going “lalalala”… But here it was right out in the open and I knew the journey ahead was not going to be easy for him, or me. We didn’t talk much about it. I don’t think we even engaged it again before he went back to school.
Daniel had also talked to Scott and Leah in separate conversations. None of us really talked about it with each other. In some ways it was easier for me not to know how Scott was dealing with it. I was having a hard enough time managing my own emotions, and was not feeling up for also managing Scott’s.
It wasn’t that I would have to manage Scott’s emotions, but more manage how I would feel about Scott’s emotions. I’m not sure what I wanted Scott to feel, but I was afraid that he would feel something that I wouldn’t want him to feel. Wow! That just sounds crazy, but that’s where I was at the time.
Did we contribute to this?
How did this happen?
At college Daniel was making some friends, and he even brought a girlfriend home at spring break! We were elated! Yes! This wasn’t going to be so hard after all.
The girlfriend relationship was short-lived, and they ended up settling on being just good friends.
Bummer!
Placing the Blame
Daniel called one night while I was upstairs in the bedroom. He sounded somber, and he said he wanted me to just listen. I swallowed deep, and felt my heart go up into my throat. Now what?
“I’ve been seeing this spiritual counselor at school, and she is helping me understand more about where my same-sex attraction is coming from. She told me that I had most likely been sexually molested when I was little but just couldn’t remember it.”
Oh no! Who?! Was this really true?
My head was spinning.
“...And she said most people who end up ‘same-sex attracted’ have an overbearing mother,” Daniel continued.
Daniel had a lot more to share, most of which I can’t remember. I got stuck on the overbearing mother part!
What does that even mean? What did I do?
I started to cry. “I’m so sorry for everything.”
I really don’t know exactly what I was saying sorry for. In retrospect, I think I was feeling sorry for myself - that it seemed I was being blamed. And for the whole awful thing.
“Oh, mom I’m not blaming you,” he replied. And then he went on to tell me more of what he had learned.
“She also told me that having a distant father who was gone so much made me not really bond with Dad and that that is probably the biggest cause.”
That was a relief.
And now it all made more sense to me. Daniel’s condition was Scott’s fault!
I don’t think I really believed that, but I had not liked Scott being away so much when the kids were little. During the winter months he was speaking at youth retreats many weekends. And throughout the year, he was always in demand to speak at conferences all over the United States and he would often attend trainings that brought new learning and tools for the ministry.
These were all great things, but since we were living in a home filled with young guys transitioning out of lock-up, one of us had to stay home, and that was me. So now all that ministry stuff proved to have been bad for our little family.
Putting the blame on Scott’s absence also lightened my load. I could live with that reality better than it being my fault.
Daniel ended the conversation by telling me that he loved me and that he wasn’t blaming us but needed to tell us what he was learning and coming to understand. I told him I was grateful that he was courageous enough to share that, and that I loved him very much.
He sent a link to a talk that he had listened to that explained all of this.
Scott and I listened to that talk while we drove up to New Hampshire one afternoon a few days later. It was sobering - the woman talking pretty much had it all buttoned up. According to her, there were reasons someone ends up being gay. Listening to that talk was hard. We had never really explored this whole thing before.
We had worked with many young people who were LGBTQ+ and had fully embraced and loved them but hadn’t really felt the need to wonder why they were gay. These kids were not our son, and we certainly were not at fault for their being who they were.
It now mattered very much to us how someone ends up being gay, whether they chose it, what circumstances led to it, how God views it, and what the Bible says about it.
Leah told us about a book she had read called Washed and Waiting by Wesley Hill. It’s a very helpful book where Wesley Hill shares his life journey and struggle with his same-sex attraction and faith.
The detail in which he describes his younger years and struggles were so hard for me to read. Through Wesley Hill’s vulnerability in sharing his painful journey, I was given a window into what Daniel must also have felt and experienced growing up. I had no idea. It was excruciatingly painful and saddening.
Part of Wesley Hill’s story was his desperate longing for God to change him. Unless God would do that, which he seemingly wasn’t doing, he was committed to staying celibate to honor God.
This too had been Daniel’s cry to God - for Him to change his desires, which also was not happening. If I ever was in doubt, I knew for sure that no one would choose to be gay.
As Daniel journeyed forward in this, he began to accept that the attractions would most likely not change but he would continue to honor God with his life. He felt comfortable sharing with others even to the point where he was asked to be a guest on a national podcast.
Telling the World
Daniel’s honesty and courage on that podcast was amazing. He shared his struggles and his childhood awareness that he was not like the other boys. He expressed that he often felt alone and didn’t feel it would have been safe to share his struggle with his parents. He said that he felt it wouldn’t have been okay with God or us - and how he just felt a lot of shame.
When he talked about his overbearing mother, he said that he had been very close to his mom and his sister and had over-identified with them. He felt much more comfortable with friends that were girls than with the other boys his age. Boys had mostly been unkind to him, bullying and taking advantage of him. Then, when talking about his dad, he said he had not bonded as well with him since he was away speaking a lot while he was little - so he hadn’t really learned how to be a man from him.
As the interview went on, Daniel focused on how grateful he was for our support when he came out. And how we were standing with him on this journey. He talked about his faith being the most important thing to him.
Scott and I both listened to the podcast. Hearing our son describe how he felt growing up in our home was not easy. He was extremely vulnerable and honest, which was great; but knowing that many of our friends, family, acquaintances, and ministry supporters might also hear all this was making us a little uneasy.
For me though, the overriding feelings were pride and gratitude for how deep Daniel’s trust in God was. That was my greatest desire for him. He was trusting God with his future, whether he would stay single or God would give him a woman to marry. God’s grace would be enough for him.
I was surprised when Scott told me how hard it was for him to listen to. “Why?”
The loud message Scott heard was that Daniel saw all of this as being Scott’s fault.
Earlier, Scott had a conversation with a former board member of ours who had come out as being gay, and as a result he had to step down from the ministry he had been directing. Scott shared some of his concerns and fears for Daniel, and in response this man assured Scott that the most important thing is for someone to have a strong bond with their father. He wanted to reassure Scott that Daniel should be okay. He had no idea how those words reinforced Scott’s worst fears.
It seemed an unbearable burden for Scott to sit with. Plus, there were so many people we knew who would listen to this and hear that same message. I assured Scott that this would not be the main takeaway for people.
Easy for me to say!
I was not a safe place for Scott to express his pain and grief.
Scott did choose to meet and share with several others - older and wiser people who could give him space to express his sadness - but also offer some other much-needed perspectives on this issue.
