Chapter Four. Oh, Good. He’s NOT Gay
Middle School
Daniel was bullied a lot in middle school. He would come home and tell us kids were calling him names and saying he was gay.
Daniel’s response to them and us was, “I’m not gay!”
Those were such comforting words for me to hear coming out of Daniel’s mouth. Oh good! That settles it. I don’t have to wonder anymore.
Daniel was mostly with the girls in middle school. Maybe always?
I wanted him to get some friends that were boys too, but it never really seemed to click.
There was one boy in school who had spread some bad rumors about Daniel, and typical of middle school those rumors took on a life of their own. It was an excruciatingly hard time for him, but he did not want us to get involved. He would tell us that if we got involved it would only make things worse.
In eighth grade Daniel went to the middle school dance. He loved to dance and was very good at it. While he was there, we got a phone call from one of the teachers asking us to come and pick him up. One of the boys had pushed Daniel to the ground and then others joined in and started kicking him.
A teacher intervened, broke it up, and then called us.
We were so upset and rushed to the school. How do you even begin to comfort a 14-year-old who has been kicked by his peers. It was all so awful!
Daniel downplayed the incident, and since he seemed okay, and said he didn’t want to create a scene which would only make things worse…we did nothing.
I desperately wanted for Daniel to be happy. It was as if I carried an ache in my heart that needed comfort and soothing, and was constantly looking for evidence that Daniel really was okay. So when he said things were better I desperately wanted to believe it and instead focus on the good stuff.
And there was good stuff!
Daniel did manage to have two different girlfriends during his middle school years so that made me very happy. I really liked both of them a lot!
And when we attended the last big assembly before graduation into the large regional high school, there were two awards given out. Daniel received one of the two. He was given the award for displaying kindness and good character. Wow! We couldn’t have been more proud!
I tried really hard to put a positive spin on life for all of us during that time. But the reality was that Scott and I were going through a hard season in our ministry and we were becoming concerned for both Leah and Daniel. There wasn’t much for youth at our church, and it seemed like the window was closing for them to have an authentic experience of God while in their teenage years.
We thought maybe we should move to Minnesota. We would be closer to family, and the kids could experience more vibrant churches.
It looked like Scott was going to be offered a teaching position at a seminary there. We found the perfect house for our family, so we put down the deposit for the owners to hold it until we were ready for our big move.
The job fell through. And so did our move.
High School
Daniel had been involved in community theater since he was in the second grade. He loved it from the start and it seemed to be so life-giving to him. He especially loved the makeup part!
So when Daniel entered high school, I thought he would absolutely love how much more diverse the student body was, and that he would find a great friend group, especially in theater.
I was surprised when he came home after the first few weeks of school and said, “I don’t want to join the theater club.”
“Why?” I asked.
“Most of the kids there are gay.”
Wow! Once again, I was proud that Daniel knew he was not like those gay kids, and that they would not be a negative influence on him. But I was also concerned that he wouldn’t find anyone to fit in with.
Daniel didn’t really connect with the other boys at our church’s youth group either. He went faithfully and was even a part of a small group for just a handful of guys, led by one of the leaders.
He never loved it, and always felt on the outside. So, when the youth group was going away on a mission trip and both Leah and Daniel had signed up, I was full of hope!
I prayed every day while they were away that Daniel would at least connect with just one friend! Just one! That’s all I’m asking for God, please!
I was so excited to be there when they got off the bus at church. I hugged them tight and right away asked, “Daniel, did you meet a new friend?”
“No, but Jesus met me and spoke to me.”
He then went on to explain that he had been sitting downstairs in the church basement where they were serving, and while he was sitting there alone, God spoke to him…
These were the words:
“No eye has seen, no ear has heard, and no mind has imagined what God has prepared for those who love him,” 1 Corinthians 2:9.
Daniel had experienced being seen, known, and called out by God. It had a deep effect on him. God had more than answered my prayer!
After returning to his very large regional high school, Daniel decided to ask if he could use a classroom to lead a Bible study after school once a week. Amazingly, he was given permission and students began to come. He covered his backpack with Jesus pins and walked around school with his head held high.
During this same period, we were driving home from church one Sunday. Scott must have been away because it was just the kids and me in the car.
World Vision had done a presentation that morning on the conditions and great needs in Malawi, Africa. It was hard to watch the presentation, and it certainly had stirred our hearts. I distinctly remember sitting at the stoplight by the Shell gas station when Daniel announced, “I want to move to Africa and finish my schooling there.”
What? No! I thought.
Daniel was still in his first year of high school. That’s the craziest idea, and so unrealistic! But I knew Daniel well enough to know that he was absolutely serious.
So, in a moment of wisdom and clarity I responded to Daniel by suggesting he set up a time to speak with his guidance counselor about the possibilities.
Daniel did set up a meeting with his guidance counselor. And the two of them worked out a schedule for him to graduate a semester early so he at that point would be free to go anywhere in the world he would like.
Good plan. I was relieved!
Tattoo
For Daniel’s sixteenth birthday we went to Vermont. In Massachusetts there is both a February winter break and an April spring break. Daniel’s birthday often fell during the February break, so there were many times we went somewhere special on his birthday.
One of our former board members owned a vacation home in northern Vermont. He offered it to us as a getaway. It was simply amazing. Scott and Daniel would go snow skiing, while Leah and I got to shop in the fun Vermont towns.
We all love coming up with special wishes for our birthdays. For Daniel’s sixteenth, he wanted a tattoo. Yikes! I really did not like tattoos at all, so it was great to be able to tell Daniel that you have to be eighteen to legally get a tattoo.
Well, after some research it turned out that Vermont was the only New England state that allowed 16-year-olds to get a tattoo. If they had their parent’s permission.
Are you serious? And we just happened to be in Vermont for his birthday?! Oh God, help me!
I can hardly believe it when I think back. I literally started googling “family friendly tattoo parlors”!
I called a few, one was closed during the time we were there. Yay!
One was unwilling to do it on a 16-year-old. Wow! Even better!
Then there was one who said she would be happy to do it. I set up the appointment with great hesitancy.
The four of us headed there. We found the address and realized we had to go upstairs on this old, narrow staircase. I was very aware of my surroundings and was beginning to feel a little creeped out.
So why did I agree to this? I still wonder about that, but at the time I really didn’t think there was any other reason than fear for me to say no.
Maybe when we get up there my fears will be stilled. But when we opened the door we were met by a huge Doberman dog. The woman in the corner of the large open room said, “Oh don’t worry, he’s really friendly!” Easy for you to say, it’s your dog! I was so uneasy and couldn’t relax the whole time we were there.
I can still see that huge open room with a Victorian/medieval look. I almost didn’t want to look around for fear that I would see something that I really shouldn’t be seeing. Like crazy images people get for tattoos that were way outside of my comfort zone.
The woman was super sweet and put us somewhat at ease.
After filling out the necessary forms she asked Daniel, “So what would you like for your tattoo?
“I want the Bible reference 1 Corinthians 2:9.”
All I can say… A day to remember.
No More Exploiting People
I always loved Daniel’s sense of style and was kind of proud of how great he always looked.
He put a high value on style and fashion and loved to wear great clothes.
At one point during his high school years, his deep sense of compassion for the marginalized, despised, and exploited people in the world made him stop buying or wearing anything that was not fair trade.
I remember standing in his bedroom as he was going through each of the clothing items he owned. He wanted to get rid of each thing that didn’t fit that criteria.
“Oh honey, I just got that for your birthday. Are you sure you want to get rid of that?”
“And that one? That was so expensive!”
It was hard for me to watch each of those beautiful pieces of fashion go into a big, black plastic trash bag, headed for Goodwill.
Why can’t my son be a little more moderate about his convictions and passions?
He kept one pair of his least attractive shorts, a pair of pants and a couple of t-shirts.
“Well, you’re going to need more clothes than that.”
“I’m going to start making my own clothes and live more simply with less.”
So, the sewing machine came out on our dining room table, and he and I began to sew.
Those became some special moments for Daniel and me – creating and sewing together.
Moving to Mexico
Daniel did graduate a semester early from high school, so right after Christmas he was headed off to Mexico and Honduras for five months at a missionary training school.
I remember standing at the airport so full of emotions.
Leah had graduated six months earlier and had just finished her first semester of college in Chicago. My last summer with her at home had been a constant exercise in letting go. Her leaving had left a big emptiness in my heart, and now 6 months later, Daniel too?
I felt confident that they were both where they were supposed to be, and my great big hope and prayer was that Daniel would find a place of belonging and develop deep friendships.
The first night he was in Mexico he called home from his bunk. We were in bed, but after the call I did not sleep.
Daniel’s voice was shaky as he told us about his first day, “I don’t think I belong here.” My internal thought… “Okay, just come home.”
Daniel has always been amazingly courageous. In the midst of many fears he has stepped in, and stayed in, over and over again. So, he stayed and gave himself to Mexico and the people there, just as he had done with everything else he stepped into.
Scott, Leah, Scott’s sister, and I visited Daniel in Mexico during Leah’s break that spring. We were so proud of him as we saw how his heart of compassion and service was making such an impact.
We had no idea until much later what all was happening there for Daniel. The staff there had taken it upon themselves to help Daniel become more like a “real man.” They pointed out that his mannerisms were too feminine and tried to get him to walk differently, talk differently and act differently.
At one point they prayed over him to cast out the demon of homosexuality.
If it was a demon, why didn’t it leave?
The emotional turmoil and internal feelings of rejection and shame of who Daniel was and how he showed up, was all held inside with a stiff upper lip.
I wish we could have been a safe place for him to share this with us at the time. But he knew we were not.
