Chapter Six. Missions.
A Heart for the World
Being a cross cultural ministries major gave Daniel great opportunities to travel during each of his college breaks.
On one of his spring breaks he went with a ministry to Guyana, South America. It was a powerful time for him. Life changing really! They had some amazing experiences talking with local people about the great love of God and even got to pray for healing for a woman who was blind and then received her sight!
At one of their evening events at a local church, Daniel was asked to share his testimony. He had asked to meet with one of the leaders before he agreed to speak. Daniel shared that part of his testimony would include talking about his same sex attraction and he wanted to be sure they were okay with that. He was encouraged to share openly and honestly from his heart.
After the service the pastor came up to Daniel in tears. He was heartbroken. He had just kicked out a young man from their church because he was gay and had told him he was no longer welcome there. After hearing Daniel share his story and his deep love for God made the pastor realize he had made a big mistake.
As a result, Daniel got to meet with that young man and shared with him the love and acceptance of God. The pastor also got to own how wrong he had been and invited the young man back into their church community.
Many of the people their team met with were Muslim. It affected Daniel deeply that the Muslims seemed to be the most hated people group, the most despised. He felt very drawn into relationship with them and developed a real love for the people while he was there.
I was standing at the kitchen island when I received a phone call from Daniel when he was on his way back from Guyana.
“Mom, I now know where I want to go after I graduate. I want to go to a Muslim country where young men are being recruited into ISIS. They are the most despised people in the world. I want to show them love.”
At the time the news was full of stories about people being beheaded by ISIS and all kinds of other atrocities.
Why do I remember exactly where I was standing? Because I was having a deep emotional bodily response. My words back to Daniel - which were true in my head - did not match my feelings at all!
I told him I knew he would go wherever God was calling him to go and that I would support him. But my insides were filled with fear!
I honestly didn’t sleep much that night.
I had for years had the routine of getting up early in the morning to sit with God before the day’s activities got started. As I sat with God that next morning, I heard God’s invitation to me to once again release Daniel, and trust God’s work and leading in his life, no matter what the cost.
That morning I got to experience the joy and release that comes from letting go. It was quite an amazing thing that happened in me. Suddenly, I got excited and motivated to research ministries Daniel could join that were working with that population. It was as if a switch had been turned on! With all my heart and emotions in it, I got excited with Daniel for this new clarity that had come to him.
It’s All Coming Together!
During his final year of college, Daniel applied to a mission agency and went through all the necessary interviews, personality tests and screenings required.
Daniel was very open and honest about his same-sex attraction. Because of that, the mission agency required him to attend Celebrate Recovery. Daniel faithfully drove an hour every week to join a small group in a church in South Florida. He developed some good relationships with people there who all cared very much for him. He was by far the youngest person there, but he was willing to do whatever it would take for him to be fully qualified to go to North Africa as a missionary.
After graduation he spent the summer in North Africa and then returned home for four months to raise the financial support he needed to return as a full-time missionary right after Christmas.
During the summer in North Africa, Daniel met Molly. She was still in college but also felt that God had called her to go to North Africa as a missionary after graduation. The two of them connected immediately and really enjoyed each other.
Molly came to visit Daniel between Christmas and New Year’s. They both felt God had brought them together and that they would be moving forward in their relationship. We were so very excited for them, and so grateful to God for bringing a girl into Daniel’s life that he could love and see himself marrying. Scott and I fell in love with Molly too.
One evening after Molly had flown back home, we were sitting on the couch with Daniel. He began to share that he wasn’t completely sure he had the same feelings for Molly as she had for him. He said he really loved her, just wasn’t as attracted to her as he had hoped he would be, and wondered if it’s okay to marry someone if you’re not sure about your attraction to them?
Uh-oh, I was feeling myself getting nervous and worried. I’m not sure exactly what my words to Daniel were, but I assured him that the most important thing was that he loved her and really enjoyed being with her. The sexual part of a marriage is only one small part. And that he should think about whether he would rather have a partner than be alone.
‘Molly seems so perfect for you, and you have so much fun together. It will be okay,” I assured him.
I really needed this to be okay! Please God, don’t let Daniel let this girl go! It was so perfect!
After our talk Daniel did agree he really loved Molly and would be excited to have her as his life partner.
He seemed settled about it.
Going to North Africa
We were getting a little concerned about sending Daniel across the world since he had been vomiting every day for awhile. He didn’t otherwise seem sick, but this was concerning. We suggested he set up an appointment to see a psychiatric nurse practitioner. He did, but afterward was discouraged and said she didn’t know what she was talking about. She had suggested that his daily vomiting may have been connected to his anxiety around his sexuality.
So, we all dismissed that and chalked it up to nerves around his big move to North Africa.
Off he went with three full suitcases. He was wearing two big coats since they were too heavy for the weight limit. He would have an overnight layover in Turkey, and then on to his destination in North Africa.
When he first arrived, he was able to stay in the home of a missionary couple who were going to be away for a few weeks. I received a call from Daniel the first night he was there.
“Mom, do you remember which suitcase my warm sweats were packed in? It’s dark so I’m having trouble seeing and it's freezing cold here and there is no heat in the house.” He was all alone in this dark, cold place. I just wanted him to come home!
He had a little time to find a place to rent in this rural city where he would be teaching English. He was joining a team there, but he would not be living with any of them. My heart was both heavy and proud for how he navigated all of this, being so very alone.
I was praying with him for the perfect place for him to establish his little home. My heart dropped when Daniel excitedly sent me pictures of the home he found to rent. It didn’t look livable to me.
But Daniel turned that not so great and uninviting place into a home. Leah, Scott and I got to visit a few months later and added some finishing touches. Quite a transformation!
It’s all Falling Apart…
Daniel and Molly had been talking frequently. Their relationship had grown and they were excited as they talked about getting engaged and what marriage would be like for them.
Every few months Daniel had to exit the country for a few days for visa purposes, so in May he and Molly had scheduled to meet in London. They had planned a perfect week together there. Molly flew to our house first, so I got to take her to the airport. She could not have been more excited! They had already talked about rings…
We got a call from Daniel while they were in London. With so much pain in his voice he said, “I can’t do this. It's not fair to Molly or to me. I will never be able to give her what she deserves and needs.”
I picked Molly up at the airport when she flew back.
I had no words. The devastation and pain was so deep. We just cried together and spent a few days, mostly in silence, before she returned to her home.
Shortly after, I remember being in Chicago. I must have been waiting for Leah or Scott because I was by myself walking around Millenium Park. I got a call from Daniel. It was the lowest I had ever heard him.
The realization that he would not ever be able to be with a woman had destroyed his dreams and hopes of what God would do in his life. He felt tricked by God, felt he had given up everything for God, and that he now was left with absolutely nothing but pain.
There were no words to keep hope alive for him. I was afraid to get off the phone, I wasn’t sure if this would be the last time I would ever get to talk to my son. The desperation and hopelessness was terrifying.
Was I going to lose my son?
