Chapter Nine. A Redo.
“I Thought You Wanted a Redo”
The day before the kids were coming home for Christmas that year, Daniel texted a selfie to me of him wearing a tulle skirt he had sewn for Leah when they were in high school.
“Do you think we could sew a skirt for me when I come home, that I can wear for New Year’s Eve?”
I had not seen Daniel wear a skirt or dress since the tutu, more than 20 years earlier.
It caught me off guard. My heart went up to my throat…
I immediately texted back saying, “Oh honey, I don’t think we will have enough time for that.”
The minute I sent that text, I was reminded - as if God was saying to me - “I thought you wanted a redo.”
It stopped me in my tracks. And then I remembered a skirt I had hanging in my closet that I thought Daniel would like. It was a shiny silky fabric. I went into my closet, found the skirt, and took a picture of it and texted him the picture with the text:
“You can borrow this one if you would like?”
Something happened inside me at that moment. It felt like I had just stepped over a threshold as I sensed that God had given me a redo. I was given another opportunity to SEE my son, and this time I chose to SEE!
Daniel’s response: “I would love that!”
Christmas. A Holy Moment
There was so much to celebrate when the kids came home that year. Not only did we get to celebrate Christmas together, but also Leah and John’s engagement. We had all fallen in love with John, so we couldn’t have been happier and more excited for the two of them.
As soon as they arrived, Daniel wasted no time rushing upstairs to put on the skirt I had laid out on his bed for him. So much joy!
We took family pictures together, the first of many where our son wore a skirt.
Later that night we opened presents. I was so excited for Daniel to open the women’s sweats he had wished for so much, but the ones we had so conveniently ignored at the time.
Leah and I both sat with full attention on him as he unwrapped the present. Daniel was always slow to open presents. So careful not to rip the paper and then untying the ribbon and finally slowly opening the box.
I wish I had captured his face on camera, but it was etched in my mind. He ran into the bathroom, and stayed in there for what seemed like a very long time…
When he finally came out, he was wearing his new sweats with tears streaming down his face. Leah and I both jumped up and the three of us embraced.
Through his tears he said, “I didn’t think you heard me.”
It felt like a holy moment, so full of redemption and love. It was a Christmas gift that I didn’t even know I was wishing for. My son had felt seen, heard, celebrated, and loved!
The short Christmas visit included Leah, Daniel and me going wedding dress shopping while Scott and John… Well, I don’t know what they were doing.
Anyway, the three of us had the best time together, celebrating my daughter’s engagement and thoroughly enjoying beautiful gowns.
She decided to go with a two piece, so we bought the tulle skirt, and we decided that I would make the top of her dress. That felt very special.
The next day we went shopping at a consignment store where Daniel found an amazing vintage suit that he would enjoy wearing for the wedding.
It was an all-around feel good time. I felt so grateful and full of joy!
High Tea
Since I was sewing part of Leah’s dress, I needed her to come back some time before the wedding for fittings. It worked out for the three of them to fly back right around Daniel's birthday in February.
Leah and I had gone out for high tea several times when she was growing up. We loved to pick fancy places to celebrate her birthdays. We enjoyed everything about it. We loved getting dressed up, the special teas, finger sandwiches and pastries. And the ambiance and beauty of the place contributed to making us feel, oh so special. It was always just for the two of us. It never occurred to me that we would include anyone else.
This year, Daniel said he would love to go to high tea with me. Just the two of us! I am sure this was not the first time he had wanted to do this, but the first time he felt there was room in our relationship, to ask for it. So, we made a reservation at the Four Seasons in Boston and off we went dressed for the occasion with Daniel wearing a new fun skirt outfit.
I can’t even begin to describe the specialness of that afternoon. As we walked into this beautiful place, so much more was happening inside us than just enjoying the beauty. The teas, and pastries were amazing. The teapots and porcelain cups, over the top. And oh yes, they also served champagne. It really couldn’t have been more special and perfect.
We were able to fully enjoy each other and experienced a time together with no land mines. It’s amazing to me how much healing can take place in an afternoon tea, where no healing was on the menu, but was clearly the main course.
A Mother’s Day Gift
The kids compiled a book for Mother’s Day a few months later. These are excerpts from what Daniel wrote:
Wow, I cannot believe that we are where we are today. I am
so thankful for your support and love, and it is so exciting to me
that we get to start over and be our best selves together. These
past few months have truly been filled with the best memories
with you. Thinking about getting dressed up together and going
out for high tea, brings tears to my eyes…
Thank you for taking time to reflect and shift. Thank you for seeing
me. Thank you for recognizing my pain and not justifying the past.
It was a happy Mother’s Day!
It was so important for me to have Daniel say those words, “Thank you for recognizing my pain and not justifying the past.”
I had heard from several well-meaning friends who I had shared my journey with, that I was being too hard on myself and that I had done the best I could at the time. Did I love my son? Absolutely! Did I do the best I could have? No! I was unwilling to acknowledge my fears and own my need to self-protect. That caused pain and harm to my son.
I really believe that it was so necessary - for both me and him - that I owned the pain I had caused for healing to take place.
Once again, I am humbled by grace.
“I’m Wearing a Dress for the Wedding”
In June we were hosting our annual neighborhood cookout in our backyard, an event we’ve hosted every year since we moved to the lake. It’s such a perfect way to get to know our neighbors better, eating together, playing yard games, and usually taking a trip on the boat around the lake.
While we were still eating, I received a text from my son. It was sent to both Leah and me. It was a picture of him wearing a dress in a fitting room, with his text saying,
“I was thinking about wearing this for the wedding, what do you think?”
I froze for a moment. This was so unexpected. The wedding was not just the two of us at a tea where no one knew us, or just our little family event. It would be so public! And I was so happy that he had found a fun vintage suit to wear. Now what? It would be so much easier for everyone if he would just wear the suit.
I didn't respond. I was trying to focus on being a good hostess. I couldn’t be thinking about this right now, but of course I was very much thinking about it even while trying to be fully present with the neighbors. I decided I would let my daughter do the responding.
Leah did respond. “I really love the suit you had picked out, but if you want to wear a dress, I like that one.”
His response, “I am going to wear a dress.”
It was going to be a small July wedding in our backyard, no extended family would be there, just a few close friends. About 40 people would be coming and we would then livestream it for relatives and family who lived far away and would not be attending.
Daniel would be singing during the ceremony so there was no way for him to not be visible on camera.
Here I was again, with lots of fears coming up around what others would think. Not only, what would they think of Daniel, but what would they think about me?
I really would have loved to eliminate the discomfort of it all with Daniel choosing to wear the suit, but this time around, I was very aware of my fears and chose not to leak them on to my son.
I felt like I had to let extended family members know ahead of time that he would be wearing a dress. None of them knew about this new development with Daniel. Not only was he gay, but he also liked to wear dresses. Yikes! I wasn’t sure at all how that would go.
I told my daughter that I would be calling my side of the family and Dad would be calling his side to give them a head’s up. As Leah was leaving for work the next morning, she informed Daniel that we would be calling family to tell them he would be wearing a dress to the wedding. This would give them the opportunity to choose not to watch the livestream, especially the ones with younger kids. It would also lighten the shock factor!
Right away Daniel said that he would call family to let them know, and if that would keep them from watching the wedding, he would not wear a dress.
He did make the calls… The response was mixed… He wore a dress.
Should I Speak at the Women’s Retreat?
About a month after the wedding my husband and I headed to Chicago to help the kids with their new homes.
Leah and John had bought a house, and Daniel had bought a condo. They were now living two miles apart so it made it easy to go back and forth. Painting at our daughters’ house, and wallpapering at our son’s. We got so much accomplished. We loved it.
While we were there, I received an email with an invitation to lead a couple of workshops at a fall Christian women’s retreat. I was very familiar with this retreat center and was not sure I was going to be a good fit, given where I was at right now. So many things that had been definite and sure in my beliefs had now broadened to where I was no longer as comfortable bringing the same absolute answers.
I had made it a practice, whenever I was asked to speak anywhere, to always take the time to get a sense from God whether to accept or not. I’m not one of those people who just loves to get an opportunity to speak. So, no is always the easiest.
I was sitting on Leah and John’s front step, taking a little painting break with my cup of coffee, when Leah came out to join me. I told her about the email and how I was feeling about it. Her immediate response was, “Mom if it doesn’t sound good to you, it's okay for you to just say, no. You don’t have to have a reason.”
Oh good! I needed to hear that!
Later that evening we were all together, walking to a place to get ice cream. The topic of the workshop invitation came up, and I shared that I was leaning toward saying no to the invitation.
Daniel looked at me and said, “Mom, what if there is a mom there who needs to hear from you?”
I replied to the email saying, “I would feel honored to come.”
When it came time to drive the more than two hours to the retreat, I really wasn’t excited.
Why am I doing this?
The workshop title I chose was on love and fear in parenting. I had lots of stories to share that had nothing to do with my son being gay, since we also had had more than 20 guys transitioning out of juvenile jails live with us over a 10-year period. And after that a couple of girls.
There was one girl I had cared deeply for and had a strong connection with. I shared some about how in my relationship with her, I learned so much about my own fears and how they had limited my love. I also mentioned briefly about having a son who was gay.
As soon as my talk ended, I was swarmed with women wanting to talk. Each one about having a gay or lesbian son or daughter, and not knowing how to handle this as a Christian mom. They all felt unsafe to share it with anyone at church for fear of rejection and condemnation.
I ended up sitting with one mom whose 13-year-old daughter had just come out to her that week. She was in tears. She had decided not to come to the retreat, but then for some reason felt like she had to.
We sat together for a very long time. I shared with her that I hadn’t wanted to come either, but that my son’s words that, “there might be a mom who needed to hear from me,” made it clear that I had to come.
She said, “Tell your son, that mom is me!”