Chapter Eight. Losing, and Gaining, My Son.
Church
Daniel was excited to get connected into a good church community, where he could experience a sense of belonging and purpose.
Our daughter had been a part of a great church community since college where she really loved the people and was part of their leadership community. It was like a family to her, very open and welcoming.
There were others there who were gay, so it seemed to be a great place for Daniel to fit in. He did love it and the worship was great! The first Sunday he attended the pastor spoke on “Everyone being invited to the table”. Afterward Daniel asked if there would be a time he could meet with the pastor for coffee.
Daniel wanted to hear clearly where the church was around welcoming and affirming LGBTQ+ believers. He wanted to know if he was invited to the table to serve - as in North Africa his sexuality had excluded him from the table.
The pastor assured him that he was welcome there. But he would not be able to be in any kind of leadership as an openly gay Christian man, or lead worship or serve communion.
This was such a devastating reality for Daniel to sit with. To him it felt like a rejection and disregard for the very person he finally had been able to embrace himself to be.
Daniel never went back there, and it became the beginning of the end of church for him.
I had been so hopeful for a great church community for Daniel. I couldn’t bear the thought that there might not be room for him there. I was feeling anger, frustration, sadness and hurt toward the pastor and the church.
A year earlier I would not have had a problem with such a policy, but now it was MY son’s faith that was at stake. I felt another uh-oh emerging. What was going to happen to my passionate son’s faith?
“You’re Doing What?!”
I grew up in a family where traditions were almost sacred. I am very sentimental and attached to the details and doing the same thing year after year. It’s part of what makes holidays so special.
So when Thanksgiving came around, we had a great big dinner with our usual 20 or more people.
One of the guys who used to live with us in the discipleship home always comes up from New Jersey with his wife and four kids. They come on Tuesday and leave on Saturday. Others who came up through the ministry join us with their families for Thanksgiving dinner as well. It’s great!
The day after Thanksgiving it’s Black Friday shopping, and on Saturday we go to a movie and pizza before the New Jersey family heads home. On Sunday afternoon the four of us go and get our Christmas tree and decorate it together.
All those things are pretty much non-negotiable.
Friday night in the middle of our Black Friday shopping Daniel announced that he would be leaving Saturday morning early, because he wanted to visit a guy in Ohio on the way home. Turns out he was a Christian singer that Daniel had seen performing at a church when he first moved to Chicago. This man was quite a bit older and had kids, and his home in Ohio would be at least three hours out of the way for Daniel and Leah.
Uh-oh. What was he thinking? No. He wasn’t thinking!
What about our family time? What about decorating the Christmas tree? What about the craziness of driving to see this older guy, and literally abandoning the rest of us?
This year Leah and Daniel were not flying back since we were letting them take our old car back to Chicago for them to share. The plan had been for them to leave early Monday morning after all our festivities were completed.
I think Leah was the first to speak up. “How can you just decide like that for both of us? I don’t want to go to Ohio!”
Leah was in tears, Daniel was mad that no one supported his decision, and I was horrified that he would even consider this.
One of the worst things for me as a mom, is when Leah and Daniel are angry at each other. This time I couldn’t see how they could ever work this out, and I was not neutral in how I was feeling about it all.
Wow! Way to ruin our great family time. It’s now a lose/lose scenario. If they don’t leave early, Daniel will be awful to be around. And if they do go, well, the rest of us will be frustrated. Especially Leah.
What was even more troubling to me was that it seemed like Daniel was completely disregarding our family and choosing this guy he hardly knew, over all of us and all that we had always valued together. I could hardly recognize my son.
After several back-and-forth negotiations it was decided that we would get the Christmas tree as soon as the New Jersey family had left, decorate it quickly together, and then have the kids get on the road later that Saturday evening.
It was a tense send off since the weather forecast had now worsened and it looked like they could be heading into a big snowstorm. But Daniel was set on leaving as planned, and Leah had reluctantly adjusted to the new plan.
We got a call from them in the middle of the night that they had slid off the highway in Pennsylvania. The car needed a repair before they could continue their trip, so we found them a hotel online. Because of this delay there was now no time for the detour to meet up with the Ohio guy.
Nobody was happy. No one got what they wanted. It was pretty much a nightmare. All because of Daniel’s crazy love crush on this guy. So frustrating! I was not feeling ready for this boyfriend business. And wondering what had happened to our happy family.
I was mad too because we had just given the kids the car and any gratitude for that seemed to have gotten lost. In fact Daniel was now angry about the inconvenience of needing to get it fixed!
The following weekend Daniel drove the six hours each way to Ohio. The relationship didn't work out…
Summer Vacation
I couldn't have been more excited when both Leah and Daniel decided to come home for a week in July.
I was so ready for some great family time together. We live on a lake so there is much fun to be had in the boat. Scott and Daniel especially love the water and water sports so it's easy to enjoy our time. Leah and I love watching Scott and Daniel kneeboard and ski, and just having fun in the water and boat. One of my favorite things was to bring breakfast out on the boat and sit on the completely quiet lake, and just enjoy each other. So much for me to look forward to!
A few weeks before they were coming home, they asked if they could invite some friends. A mom with three kids for the first half of the week, and a young couple with a baby at the end of the week. These were all great people that we really liked, but….
I had been so looking forward to just family time.
It turned out to be one of the hardest weeks for me. The weather was great! The friends, we loved! The food was good! But Daniel was like a different person. He spent much of the time sunbathing in a very skimpy speedo. At one point Leah had asked, “What do you think of Daniel’s swimsuit?”
I said, “I don’t like it,” which I didn't mind him hearing me say. I actually hated it!
Daniel has always been very loving, tender, and affectionate toward me, but this week it was as if there was a huge wall between us. He was fully engaged and full of life and fun with the others, but cold and disengaged with both Scott and me.
It was so painful. I felt as if I had lost my son.
After dropping them off at the airport, Daniel texted:
“Sorry, you didn’t deserve that.”
The weeks following, I was so distressed about my relationship with Daniel. I had no idea how to move forward. Why was he shutting me out? Would he ever let me in again?
I honestly felt at the time that this was all Daniel's issue. But as I sat with God and reflected on all that had transpired, I began to see there were things I needed to own.
I decided to write Daniel a letter.
Letter Owning My Stuff
Dear Daniel,
I have so much in my heart that I would like to share with you. There is so much but if I wait to send this until I express it all clearly, I don’t think I’ll ever get it sent. So here is at least a beginning.
I feel like this journey the last couple of years of you sharing with us where you’re at around sexual identity and how it has become more and more clear for you - I feel like at each step I’ve made it about me and letting you know I’m having a hard time catching up and that in a way I’ve asked you to give me permission to lag behind and be uncomfortable.
I realize now how unfair and unloving that has been. All the years of pain, rejection, and judgment you have lived through and now I want permission to be uncomfortable?? I hate how you’ve had to wear the feeling of being a disappointment and me saying you’re not, at the same time as me saying I need time...
Daniel, I don’t need any more time to catch up or let go of fears to fully embrace and fully accept and love who you genuinely are and who you love.
I have been such a symbol of “moral” correctness, a standard of overt and covert judgment in our family, I am truly sorry! I am in the process of shedding all that stuff that is just fear-based standards. I am so proud of your courage to break free and at the same time continue to show grace and love for me. Wow!
I understand that I am not a safe place for you right now to let me in on your deeper stuff, I don’t blame you one bit. Maybe as I grow, we will get to have a new season where there is more safety in our relationship. You have had to be in so many toxic environments that have hurt you deeply and I know I have contributed to that pain.
My prayer for you is that each of the many wounds you’ve suffered from “Christian people” will be touched and healed. And that you will be surrounded by people who truly see you, fully accept you and love you. This I know is already happening. I am so thankful for that.
I love you so very much!
Mom
An Unpleasant, but Necessary Gift
As I mentioned earlier, our Thanksgiving table always had at least 20 people sitting around it, but this year was different because of Covid. We were so grateful that Leah brought her boyfriend John home. He was such a great addition to the four of us, as he always lightened the mood and eased any tensions that otherwise might have been felt.
The morning after Thanksgiving the kids and I love to sit around and look up all the great Black Friday bargains online. Then we each come up with things we wish for Christmas.
The things Daniel kept looking at were making me a little uncomfortable. He had found a sweatshirt and sweatpants from Express that were women’s, and he really loved them.
“I really wish for those for Christmas and they’re half off, just this weekend!”
He said it several different times, but I kept diverting his attention to other things I thought would be great. I was hoping he would lose interest in those women’s sweats and not really notice my disinterest.
I was kind of in a sentimental mood so the only wish I could come up with was for something to organize all the pictures from when the kids were little. I really wanted to be able to easily access all the many special memories.
This would not be an easy task. We had so many print pictures from their earlier years. There were many more on Scott’s computer when we had switched to a digital camera, and the rest of them on our phones. If anyone could organize them, and maybe make chronological photo books, it would be my kids. That would be such an amazing gift to me!
As we were getting ready for bed the night before the kids would fly back, Daniel came to us and asked if we could talk. We sat down on the two small gray couches in front of the fireplace - Scott and I sitting on one and Daniel sitting directly across from us on the other.
“There’s something I need to tell you…”
I do not remember word for word what Daniel said, but I clearly remember his tone, his anger, and the passionately raw way he spoke or screamed at us.
I had never in Daniel's whole life heard such angry unfiltered rage come out of him. It felt and sounded like an explosion.
He unloaded years of resentment and pain about growing up in our ministry home where there was no room for him to express what he was going through, and who he really was. The years of him literally giving his life to God and ministry, the abuse he had felt from Christian people in the name of God, the demons people had tried to cast out of him, the rejection he had experienced over and over in the name of God and being cast aside and excluded from ministry because who he was, was a sin.
And screaming at us through his tears, “How did you not know?! And if you did, why did you leave me to figure it all out on my own?”
My whole insides were shaking, and we cried… So much raw pain.
Scott’s and my only response was a tearful, “We are so sorry.”
It was quiet, and then Daniel with a whole different tone, calm and caring, said, “I love you, and I know you love me. And I want to have a relationship with you. But I just don’t know how.”
We hugged and went to bed.
I did not sleep and got up early the next morning to sit on the porch alone with God. Mostly I cried. And honestly my first thoughts were filled with self-pity.
The Christmas wish for childhood picture memories was no longer an appealing gift. Each of those “happy” memories were now memories of pain.
Daniel's childhood was not the happy one I had thought it was. But even worse for me, I was not the good mom I always thought I was.
“Oh God! All I ever wanted was to be a good mom. I cannot bear the truth of having contributed to so much of my son's deep pain. NO! I don’t know if I can live with that!”
If only I could get a redo!
When Leah got up, I shared a little about the pain of the night before and together we decided to order the women’s sweats for Daniel.
Mourning
The days and weeks between Thanksgiving and Christmas that year became a time of mourning for me. Reflecting on that raw and unfiltered conversation where Daniel expressed the pain, and wounds, he had from growing up in our family.
I had to admit my fears had overshadowed my love and I had missed seeing my son for who he was. The reality that I had caused that kind of pain seemed unbearable to me.
Mixed in with this I had moments of feeling sorry for myself - being robbed of thinking I had been such a good mom. That’s really all I had wanted to be!
I had not loved my son in the admirable way I would have wanted to say I did.
If only I could get a redo.
But there is no redo.
I sat with God in the ugliness, sadness, and pain of it all.
I came face to face with my own failure to be the “good person” I had always wanted to be. I discovered that I would rather be good, than need forgiveness and grace.
As I was reflecting on God’s invitation in Hebrews 4:15-16 “to come boldly to the throne of grace,” it became clear that it is in the context of God already being familiar with my weaknesses.
God never thought I was perfect or was surprised by my failure to fully see my son. If God was not taken back by it, why was I? Could I acknowledge my own humanity and shortcomings and accept that that’s what God’s grace was meant for? It really hit me how my pride and need to “be good” had kept me from experiencing grace.
It made me weep and fall into God's embrace. It also made me think about the story in the Bible when Jacob wrestled with God and walked away from that place with a limp.
To move forward I had to embrace the ache in my heart, with a limp, not of shame but with a sobering acceptance of my own humanity.
Tears of Hope
During the weeks between Thanksgiving and Christmas, Daniel and I didn’t connect much. I spent a lot of time reflecting on memories that God brought to my mind. Memories where I had experienced fears around who Daniel was and who he was going to turn out to be.
The questions Daniel had asked, “How did you not know? And if you did, why did you leave me to figure it all out on my own?” kept swirling in my head.
I began to write in my journal a list of each of those fear-filled memories that came to mind. Some I wrote out in detail as I recalled the feelings I had in each of those painful moments. I so wished I had been able to see this at the time when Daniel was growing up. But I didn’t.
How could this ever be redeemed? I wasn’t going to get a redo.
I began to wonder if what I was now seeing could be shared with other moms. Moms who like me, just wanted to love their child amid all their fears. Maybe I could share this for the sake of children growing up in homes much like mine?
I was debating in my mind whether I should share this with Daniel. We had hardly connected since that last painful conversation, so I wasn’t sure he would be up for hearing what I had been processing and writing.
I decided to call him on the phone and gave myself a fleece. If he happened to answer, I would tell him about it. If not, I would let it be.
I was a little nervous as I made the call…
Daniel answered!
So, I told him I had been reflecting and writing some memories in my journal since our last conversation.
“Would you be up for hearing one of my entries?” Yes, he was.
I chose to read the one about when he used to wear Leah’s tutu, and how I had “known” but hadn’t been courageous enough to admit that to him or myself.
“Instead, I had put shame on you,” I confessed. “I am so sorry!”
We cried together.
“Mom, you have to share this with other moms.”
