Sitting across from us was our now adult son, angry, frustrated, hurt and with so much pain on his face.  He was asking “How did you not know? And, if you did, why did you leave me to figure it all out on my own?”

Six years earlier, Daniel “came out” to us when he was home for a break from college. He revealed his same sex attraction, but also explained that he was committed to staying celibate unless God somehow would have a woman for him to marry. 

At the time he was pursuing a degree in cross-cultural studies and was planning to move to North Africa after graduation under the umbrella of a Christian mission agency.

While in North Africa it became clear to Daniel that he would not be able to marry a woman. He wrestled with God through a very low time of coming to terms with who he was as a gay, Christian man.

When he shared his journey with the other members of the mission team, he was asked to leave.

Months of reflecting on his painful journey of trying to please God, us, and “the church” led him to the painful, heart-wrenching questions he was asking us…

How did you not know? 

If you did, why did you leave me to figure it all out on my own?

The following morning after a sleepless night and many tears, I asked myself over and over, “Did I know?” If I did, what kept me from entering in with my son and seeing him for who he really was?

I started to remember specific situations through Daniel’s life, from the time he was very little all the way into adulthood. Times where I did know. I just wasn’t willing to fully acknowledge. 

Why?

How different life could have been for my son if I had walked it out differently with him. If I had been courageous enough to step into the things I really didn’t want to know at the time.

The reality of the pain and harm I had caused in my son’s life felt unbearable to live with. And I don’t get a redo.

My thoughts went to…

What if I somehow could be used to prevent another little boy or girl from experiencing the pain of growing up in a Christian home where there is no room for them to embrace who they really are?

Who or what would I have listened to that might have given me greater courage?

I grew up in a home where I learned to trust God with all my life and based it on the teachings of Scripture. I had adopted many moral standards that served as my compass for living. For me to consider Daniel being gay was unfathomable and completely outside of what could be acceptable to me, so any inclination of What if? had to be quickly dismissed.

I wanted to love my son with all my heart and honor God.

What I didn’t know was that the fear of not being “a good mom” kept me limited in what I was open to see and know.

Fear always limits love.

I reached for my journal and began to write. The pages that follow are remembrances of situations where I chose to not know...